Divorce in the eyes of the law happens when married couples decide they can’t live together anymore and no longer want to be married. This can be a mutual decision or one forced upon one of you by the other person involved. Reasons for a divorce might be adultery, physical or emotional violence, desertion or quite simply not being in love with your other half any more.
There are numerous reasons why people divorce but the bottom line is that your relationship has broken down to such a point that it is no longer retrievable.
Both of you will hopefully agree to sign legal papers that make each of you single again and allow either of you to marry other people if you want to. This can often be quite difficult especially if one of you doesn’t want the divorce or is quite simply putting obstacles in the way to cause maximum grief to the person wishing to end the marriage.
The law states that you may be able to get a divorce providing you can substantiate one of the following:
- Your husband has committed adultery and you can no longer live with him.
- Your husband has behaved unreasonably and again you can no longer live with him.
- You have been separated for two years, before you started the divorce, in which case your husband will need to consent to the divorce.
- You have been separated for five years, before you started divorce proceedings; no consent is required from your husband in this case.
- Your husband has deserted you for two years prior to starting the process of divorce.
- If your husband is divorcing you then the same applies. Your solicitor will be able to guide you as to which scenario best applies to you.
It’s interesting to note that where the man has committed adultery many women filing for divorce don’t specifically state this fact. The reasons for this are that if you intend to declare the other third party then they need to be notified and the paperwork becomes a minefield. It is often far easier for the woman to take the easiest option and the cheapest to exit her marriage. We all want our day in court or to shout out the other woman’s name but at what cost and is it worth it? From talking to other women having gone through this the general consensus of opinion is that the courts are not interested in who did what to who, the third party involved and naming names. In fact most women implied that it did not put them in a positive light taking pot shots at the other woman who had now stolen their husband and the family pot.
Divorce can be a complicated process and expensive. The solicitors, lawyers and other professionals within the legal system can tie you up in complicated procedures and it’s so easy to lose control of the whole process and of course the finances. Whilst couples are at each other’s throats this is usually a prime opportunity for the “fat cats” in the legal system to cream off their exorbitant fees, so be warned.
Separation
Courts generally use legal separation for people who wish to end their marriage but don’t have grounds for an absolute divorce, or for couples that need to sort out their finances but cannot agree on the settlement on their own. They may need third party help or intervention. You should live apart and not have a sexual relationship with your soon to be ex, or indeed with others. Yeah right! It’s not that you are banned from sex, but once you have a sexual relationship with someone then you can technically be divorced on the grounds of adultery by your other half.
This separation allows both of you time to resolve issues such as maintenance, child support, child custody, health insurance, and the question of housing before your separation is finalized.
It’s important to remember that whilst your divorce is at this stage, this does in fact give either of you the opportunity to remove or maneuver wealth, possessions or financial interests to protect them! This is therefore a dangerous stage to be in normally for one of the party’s concerned. Make sure you are not that party! As Johnny Carson said “ The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.”
Managed Divorce
A managed divorce is when both of you have reached a mutual settlement over the allocation of your property, finances, children, and other often contentious issues. While managed divorces may appear to be the simple way to achieve your desired goals, you may have to renege on a few issues such as support from his pension, share allocation, or other sources of income in the long term.
No Fault Divorce
A no-fault divorce is where neither of you places blame on the other for the divorce, and that irreconcilable differences prevent you from continuing as a married couple. No-fault divorces spare those of you who wish to amicably split avoid protracted and difficult custody and property separation battles and hopefully the costs associated with those procedures.
How you conduct yourselves and approach the divorce will depend on the animosity between both of you. How proactive you both are in the divorce will either accelerate the process or delay the process.
The Decree Nisi
This is when the divorce is nearing its completion and is your first piece of official paperwork. How long it takes to get to this position is really up to you and your husband. Feuding couples quite simply delay the process and to what end? We have seen the costs associated with high profile divorces. This will probably be the next most expensive outlay you have ever paid for since your wedding.
Once you have the Decree Nisi then you can apply for the absolute to take place six weeks afterwards. This time in between allows anyone to object to the divorce and state their reasons why to the court.
The Absolute Divorce
The Absolute divorce is the legal end of your marriage and it ends all legal bonds between you both as a couple. You are now officially single again.
There are a variety of other terminologies used when describing divorce such as a defended divorce, undefended divorce, non-contested divorce amongst others but I have explained the main ones to you. I don’t need to complicate this process so let’s keep it simple.
Separation is also the word often used to describe couples living together that then decide to part. They don’t often have the contracted process of divorce but these days may well have an agreement in place as described further on in my book to cover certain eventualities. Whatever your marital status splitting up is still messy and costly.
The bottom line is that the divorce process can be as painful as you want but it will not be painless!
Although this may sound simple, it’s never easy to decide to end your marriage. You often spend a long time trying to solve your problems before deciding that the best course of action is to divorce.
One of you has to initiate the divorce; after all, someone has to decide when it’s time to call last orders. There’s only so much one person can do to repair a marriage. If your other half can’t see any future or longevity in the marriage then it is far better to end the marriage than to eventually become so indifferent and stale in a marriage that should have ended some years before. Nobody gains in that situation and you just become bitter, resentful and quite frankly a few years older.
Irrespective of who initiates the divorce, usually both of you will experience some disappointment that your relationship has come to an end, even if one of you wants the divorce more than the other. There is normally a feeling of failure and “perhaps I should have done more” attitude. Nobody wins and, in your own minds eye, divorce gives the impression to others around you and the world that this is a public admission of failure. You will have to cope with the financial upheaval, knowing that your children will also pay the price for your failure.
Is Divorce and closing the door on your relationship worth it?
It is interesting to note that most people when they have gone through the stages of loss can often look back with some clarity and spot the initial point of the breakdown of the relationship. It is also interesting that most women have no regrets about the marriage being over. There may be sadness but women, for the most part, recognize the inevitable.
Written by Fiona G Laycy
‘Women on Top, 69 Positions to Success – and Saving Your Relationship or Not’ is your survival guide to marriage and divorce. It will help you through the hard times and provide you with examples of how to tackle life with courage and laughter – whether you decide to keep your marriage or not. To find out more about this essential guide to marriage – click the cover image.